Faris Scherwiz Show
by Mueki Zutto
Summary: Faris now has her own talk show!


Welcome to:  
The Faris Scherwiz Show!   
(A parody of the Jerry Springer shows, along the lines of ChibiBlackMage's funny, "Judge Kefka" series)  
  
Stuff You Should Know:  
1. I do not own any of these characters  
2. You don't either  
3. I cannot make anyone laugh. This is uncreative and poorly written, but you're reading it anyway.  
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Announcer guy: "This is the Faris Scherwiz Show! Today's topic: "Sluts of Final Fantasies"  
  
  
Faris: "Arr! An' welcome to me show! Today, we talk to sluts about lives as...sluts...please welcome me first guest, Rinoa Heartilly, th' whiny, scrawny bitch of Final Fantasy VIII."  
  
*Rinoa comes out in a leather suit with a kinky whip and stuff like that.*  
  
Rinoa: "Hi Faris! ^.^"  
  
Faris: "D'arr...whatever...why are ye here and whattya wan' from me? I mean...err...What's it like being a slut?"  
  
Rinoa: *Rinoa speaks in an airhead voice* "Well, it's like being the village bicycle..Everyone has had his or her turn riding me. ^^"  
  
*Austin Powers stands up from the crowd and points at Rinoa*  
  
Austin: "You bitch! You stole my line!"  
  
Rinoa: o__o()  
  
*Austin runs on stage and beats the crap out of Rinoa*  
  
Rinoa: "OWW! SQUALLY! HE'S HURTING ME!"  
  
Squall: "Thank god!"  
  
Faris: "Arr...We be right back after these commercials...I'm taping this to show Quistis that th' man is open for the taking....did I just say that out loud?"  
  
*A Few Moments Later*  
  
Faris: "Arr...Welcome back. Right now, we have Garnet, the priss from FFIX."  
  
*Garnet walks onto the stage in a g-string and highheels. The censors blur out what mustn't be seen.*  
  
Faris: "GOOD LORD! WILL YE PUT A SHIRT ON!?"  
  
Garnet: *chewing bubble gum* "...no"  
  
Faris: "Will ye stop tryin' to be Lara Croft? Ye couldn't do a British accent if ye life depends on it! Arr!"  
  
Garnet: *snobby teenager voice* "Whatever. Listen, I only came on this show to show the world my T&A"  
  
Guy from Audience: "I SMELL BACON!"  
  
*The audience laughs*  
  
Faris:" Krile! Bartz! Please, escort the young lady away 'til she finds a decent shirt. 'Er unmentionables make me afeared to be a woman."  
  
Bartz and Krile: "Yes, Your Majesty."   
  
*Bartz and Krile pull a dumpster on stage. Bartz whacks Garnet unconscious with a chair, and Krile tosses Garnet into the dumpster. The 2 then push the dumpster out the back door. The audience cheers.*  
  
Faris: "Thank ye, ye get a raise now."  
  
Bartz and Krile: "Yes, your Majesty."  
  
Faris: "We return soon."  
  
*A Few Moments Later*  
  
Faris: "Our next guest is me own sister, Reina Tycoon."  
  
*Reina walks out with nothing put a large plastic bag on*  
  
Reina: "Heya!"  
  
Same Guy from Audience: "Aren't you a princess."  
  
Reina: "..."  
  
Faris: "Why did ye do it? Why did ye become a whore? I tried me best to be a good sister!"  
  
Reina: "Well, it all started one day when *blah blah blah blah blah blah blah*. And that's why I became a slut."  
  
Everyone in studio: "ZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzz"  
  
Reina: "HEY!"  
  
Faris: " YES, DAD! I CHANGED TH' GUINEA PIGS CAGE! Huh? Oh well. Get th' hell off of the stage and put some clothes on."  
  
*Reina goes backstage.*  
  
Faris: "And off she goes, me own sister...a prostitute...we be right back after these messages....*sob*"  
  
*A Few Moments Later*  
  
Faris: "Thank ye for staying. Please welcome th' zombie slut, Aeris."  
  
*audience boos and an Aeris with a large hole in her stomach walks out completely nude.*  
  
Aeris: ^^  
  
Faris: "Before we kick ye off the stage, let me ask ya a question: Why didn't ye bleed when ye died?"  
  
Aeris: "...no comment"  
  
Guy: "GET OFF THE STAGE!"  
  
Guy 2: "YOU SUCK!"  
  
Guy 3: "LET'S GET HER!"  
  
Cats: "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"  
  
Aeris: *blood-curling scream*  
  
Faris: "Now, settle ye horses down! We be back after these messages. Isn't Cloud going to be happy?"  
  
*A Few Moments Later*  
  
Faris: "Welcome ye ass back. We now have th' 4 sluts 'n their original costumes, and now we will take questions and comments from the audience. Yes, ma'am?"  
  
Girl: "This is for the bitch in gay blue. Did you ever think of getting a tan?"  
  
*Selphie sits down.*  
  
Rinoa: "Quite Often,"  
  
Garnet: "Rinoa, you're a horrible slut!"  
  
Faris: "Yes, ye?"  
  
Cats: "How are you gentlemen!! All your base are belong to us!"  
  
*audience cheers*  
  
Aeris, Garnet, Reina, and Rinoa: ??  
  
Faris: "Ooh...kay... yes, ma'am?"  
  
Woman: "Yes, this is for the girl that doesn't bleed. Why the hell do you have to make Cloud a crossdresser?!"  
  
*Tifa sits back down, and hugs a crying Cloud.*  
  
Aeris: "...because I thought he would've made a good slut..."  
  
Faris: "Yes, ye sir?"  
  
Guy: "Yes. This is for Faris's sister. Why the hell did you deceive your sister after all that she did for you? And, I'd choose Faris over any of you any day!"  
  
*Faris hugs the guy, who turned out to be the writer of this fanfiction , and went to take another question.*  
  
Little Girl: "Please pick me!"  
  
Faris: "Yes, li'l girl?"  
  
Little Girl: "HAH! ZIDANE'S MY BOYFRIEND AND YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM! NYA NYA NYAAA!"  
  
Zidane: ô.o  
  
*Eiko sits down*  
  
Garnet: "Don't make me summon Ark on yo azz!"  
  
Faris: "Arr! Time for Th' Sappy Thought of the Day!"  
  
*Faris goes into a room where a cameraman is waiting.*  
  
Faris: "Remember, sluts arn't bad people, just horny people."  
  
*Faris walks out*  
  
Announcer: "If you live in the tycoon area, or going to, and want to be on the Faris Scherwiz show, call 1-800-ARR-RRRR, or send a letter to:  
  
Faris Scherwiz  
Floor #2, Room 6  
Tycoon Castle, Tycoon 170V354215(Upside down, it's almost: "I Love Faris")  
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Credits:  
First, I'd like to thank you for reading this. 2nd, I'd like to thank Squaresoft for creating such a marvelous character ^^. 3rd, I'd like to thank ChibiBlackMage for inspiring me on this Fanfic, and 4th, I'd like to thank my hands for not aching after typing this much at 2 A.M. in the morning. Be sure to look for Episode 2 ^^.  
  
Review if you want. IMPORTANT NOTE: If you are offended by any of these, good for you. You can flame all you want. It's not gonna do anything to me. :) 


End file.
